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Fasten your seat belts, my friends, because I'm taking you along for one of the most important journeys of my life. How this trip came together reads like an episode of "Touched By An Angel."
It begins last summer with a talk I had with my father, Stu. He had been sick for a very long time and was in the hospital with yet another ailment that doctors were trying to figure out. As he was getting sicker, the hospital stays were getting longer and becoming more frequent. I knew it was important for me to have a certain talk with him.
I wanted to know what he wanted for his final resting place. It wasn't an easy topic to bring up with my dad, who was afraid of dying, and never one to really want to talk about the hard stuff in life. The part where "everyone was happy" was more his speed.
I managed to get us into a conversation about "good funerals" he had been to over the years. He brought up one gathering where the friend ordered all his people to gather and dine on platters from his favorite deli and some other memorable moments.
For him, he said with a slightly trembling lower lip, he said, "I'd like to be cremated and my ashes spread in Hawaii." It was remarkable to learn something new about my dad after a lifetime of surprises. The request, itself, seemed to make sense. My dad was stationed in Hawaii during his Navy years. And as a family, we took countless vacations there, as well.
When he slipped away quietly one morning a few months later, I was glad he and I had had that conversation. Our family gathered in Los Angeles less than a week later and celebrated his with a service that he would've loved. There were people there from his entire life, from a woman who was next to him in the hospital nursery when they were born in 1933 to new friends he had made at the assisted living center where he spent his last couple of years.
And yes, there was some of the family "stuff" that can come with a big ending. Different ones of us having a different vision of what was supposed to happen with Stu. Therein, lies the beauty with cremation. No need to argue. We've each been able to do what we need to do for closure. Here's something I didn't know before: a full grown man makes about 5 lb of ashes. Hence, plenty of Stu to go around.
My part of my dad arrived at my house around last Christmas. I could do an entire chapter on all the weird stuff that happened around the house upon his arrival. Electrical cords mysteriously becoming unplugged, strongly magnetic cabinet doors swinging open with no one in the room. The list goes on. Suffice to say, Stu and I had a little talk, I assured him I would get him to Hawaii, but meanwhile, he had to behave. What do you know? Things calmed down.
And they remained calm, so I'm not really sure what got into me a few weeks ago when I started thinking, "Y'know, I really have to think about getting Stu to Hawaii. It's time." I had never put any kind of deadline or time pressure on myself to do this, knowing I would somehow keep my word, probably sometime in 2009.
Yet, there I was thinking, "It's time." Of course, as many of us often do, I also started a negative conversation in my head, "But when am I going to do that? It's so expensive to go to Hawaii. Airfares are nuts, blah blah blah."
While I was having that conversation in my head, I was also surfing around on my laptop. "I wonder what's going on in Atlanta today?" So, I surfed over to ajc.com, the website for the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
"Delta Airlines Offering Special Air Fare To Hawaii!!!" the big ad blared.
"Whoa, that's a little strange," I thought, but still was not swayed to take action. Now, I started having the conversation aloud. "Fine," I said to no one particular in the room, "Good airfare to Hawaii. Truth is, if I really look around, you can find a decent airfare many times a year. What really kills you," I upped the ante, "is the hotel. Yeah, that's what makes the trip outrageously expensive."
Ten minutes later my business line rings. Caller ID showed a number I didn't recognize. I picked it up anyway.
"Hello, Ms. Kagan," this unfamiliar voice on the other side of the line said. "This is Alicia, with one of your frequent traveler hotel programs. And we're offering a special deal today for our properties in Hawaii."
I about dropped the phone. "Uh, Alicia," I said, "I'll be honest. I rarely listen to telemarketing calls, but turns out, I need to go to Hawaii. Whatchya got?"
What they had was exactly what I needed. I would be able to make my Hawaii trip an extension of my San Francisco book signing trip that had been booked for months.
The hotel is even a perfect place, close to a spot in the ocean that would have great meaning for Stu. It all fell together so easily, as things that are meant to be often do.
It was only after everything was all booked and set did I look on the calendar and realize the final "meant to be" piece. The day I leave Hawaii to fly back to Atlanta will be the one-year anniversary of Stu's passing.
My intention with this trip is to honor my father's final wish. He was a man who spent his life looking for enough love to fill him up, and in that search made some choices, that ironically and sadly, actually ended up costing him love rather bringing it to him.
This week I choose to get my dad to a place that did, indeed, bring him much joy. I will send him off in the waters between Oahu and Maui with a blessing that he now finds endless love and peace and indeed, everyone will get to be happy.
And I thank all of you for coming along on this very big and important journey.
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